I have had an incredibly difficult day.

I woke a few times during the night and early in the morning. When I eventually got up I thought of the fucking amazing day at had yesterday and got straight back into bed. Yesterday I went to Jooste where I chose to go help out at the surgical out patients clinic. The doctor who runs the clinic had an American girl with him. She was not even a medical student. Just a completely random girl. He was being very flirty and talkative with her, but I didn’t mind. I just did my bit, helping him out, seeing patients, etc. I eventually saw a lady who need a benign, though large, tumour cut out of her inner thigh. Because I believe in thoroughly examining the patients I see I noticed that she was profoundly anaemic with a tachycardia and tachypnoea. I asked the sister if we could do a ward haemoglobin on her, but we couldn’t because the machine was broken. I proceeded to take blood from her to send for a formal haemoglobin. I’ve been taking blood from patients for years and I had very good reasoning to do this investigation. When I told the doctor he decided to shit me out for not getting his permission. I think he thought it made him look good for the american chick. What an asshole.

Anyway, so today I woke up feeling like shit. My university/work was terrible. My friends are all busy writing exams, my family are in a state about my dad having heart surgery soon, my time is free but I have nothing to do. I’m so lonely and bored.

I went to Kaya where I had an excellent chat with one of the counsellors. He suggested that I speak to my friends and people and tell them what I need. He also suggested that I speak to people to get feed back about my interactions with women. I then attended there aftercare. I had an issue with one of the patient who was being aggressive and trying to intimidate me, which wasn’t fun.

I went to the bayit where I had a nag. I then went out with a good friend for sushi. Then I visited one of my good friends who is down from Joburg. I had a long serious talk about how I am feeling. It was good to speak about it. In talking to him I realised why I haven’t ever been able to feel real closure with those many women who has caused me so much pain.

When I liked each of them they gave me hope of human comfort and understanding. It is the most that I have ever had. I cannot let go of the hope because the hope is all I have. I will only be able to let go of the hope when I have somebody or something to fill that small space of the vast emptiness within that is occupied by the hope.