I’m feeling pretty low at the moment. I feel miserable, cynical and petulant. I am bored with my studies. I feel boring. I feel like I am struggling to make conversation with people. I feel uninteresting. I continuously feel let down by the social interactions that I struggle to organise.

I feel useless and worthless. I know this is a completely absurd statement, but it’s how I feel. I am know that I will be a doctor soon. I feel skilful and able to be a important and helpful part of any hospital team, but, at the same time, that doesn’t seem to matter.

I am so incredibly frustrated by my relationship issue. I am tired of chasing shadows and I am tired off all my shattered dreams, yet I do not know how to move on. I don’t know whether to run away or run towards.

This are difficult at home. My dad has been quite down lately. My step mother has been going through her own stuff with her own family.

This past week I rotated through trauma at Groote Schuur hospital. I generally had freakishly quiet shifts. I met good, friendly and kind doctors who taught me and treated me well. I was able to help out and felt part of the team.

The best that I have felt all week was after I had been awake for about 27 hours and donated blood. I was over tired and found my long lost sense of humour, for a while. It is now gone again.

I help sort out a friend of mine with a new PC and got another friend of mine an external IDE laptop hard drive enclosure.

On Monday I saw one of my friends and his partner for supper. On Tuesday I took myself out for a movie and saw a friend who came over to collect some computer hardware I had collected for him. On Wednesday I gave a friend a lift to the airport. On Thursday I was meant to see one shadow but, predictably and very frustratingly, she cancelled. I saw another shadow afterwards then I worked for the whole night. I slept the whole day on Friday and then worked from midnight to 8.

I saw a few people die. I saw my first rape patient. I saw people in agony.

I am struggling so much. I feel so alone. I waste vast amounts energy keeping myself going and chasing after my friends and shadows.