I feel numb, like a quite deep emptiness fills me till I’m about to burst. Within that great black void like the cold depths of space beyond the stars lie some few other things which are small and powerful. I feel rage sometimes, rage like the breaking of the world and the defiling of the innocent, like the burning and destruction of beauty. I feel pathetic and shamed to the extent that I want to let the numb void destroy me and hide me forever. I feel loss, great loss, like the elves. But mostly empty, so empty, so lonely.
This is how it began. I write it down now so that it will NEVER recur.
Lolita came give me hope. She understood me and one day, after I tried to phone her to see if she was ok she sent me an sms which said “I love you and that’s the truth of it…” I came to understand that she loved me and desired to be wit h me. I smsed her every night and bought her presents because I cared for her and wanted to make her happy.
On a day I smsed to ask if I could come visit her. She did not reply but I went to her house anyway. I brought my textbook with me. When she heard that I was there she smsed me saying “no. No no no no no no.” I sat on the couch and studied. I then smsed her as I was to leave asked her whether she’d let me out or whether I should let myself out and throw the keys back into the house.
She emerged radiating fear and anxiety like fusion fire. Then she showed me a picture that she drew which was very sexually suggestive. I tried to coax some conversation out of her, but it was difficult. We sat together for a time on the balcony then I left.
We spoke a few times on MSN. She was warm and made me feel as though she shared my feelings. I visited her once and we had coffee and sat on the couch.
Then I asked her out. We decided we would dress formally. She accepted my invitation to be taken out for supper and then to a concert. I was very anxious and happy and excited. I did truly believe deep within myself that she had feelings for me similar to what I felt for her.
I collect her from her house. She smiled and she descended her stairs in a beautiful dress of browns with black boots, smelling beautiful with gorgeous hair. I gave her a rose and we went out for dinner. We sat and spoke and then she told me that she had told her mom that she was going out with me on a friendship date and that she saw me as a older brother mentor figure in her life.
At that moment it felt to me like my skin had been removed by heat. My anxiety and hope died and was replaced with a raging torrent of feelings that I had to control.
I expressed to her how I felt and we spoke about it. I did not make her feel bad, for what I felt came from my assumptions. “Expectations diminish joy.”
I wanted to take her home and run screaming into the night, but instead I took her to the concert. I was flattering and kind and all the things that the game said I shouldn’t be.
I dropped her at home and left. I felt home with my rage, hate, fury, loss, despair, desperation, pathos, pain. The pain was terrible it cut my deeply and it really hurt awfully. I smsed buddy and then I went to sleep.
The next day it was better for it was behind me and I could be numb and empty and not care. Tonight I went out with Alia of the Knife and she picked all my wounds open for me and did some wounding herself. Don’t get me wrong, I care about Alia of the Knife and I know I am fool and open myself up for it.
Some of the things Lolita said just hurt me so much because of the exclusion and separation they made me feel from her. Truly I had hoped and believed that she would care about me and be able to give me what I require: love, care, compassion, understanding, etc. Truly did just hurt so much
