Garlic Hummus,
After sleeping later yesterday I did some reading and ran all my diagnostic software on my computer because I have some strange obsession with keeping my computer working at tip top performance.
On Friday evening, just before I left Zulu’s house I washed my hands with Vanilla soap. I should never go near anything Vanilla because it reminds me of Vanilla, the girl who I was with who is very immature and not talking to me. So I left the bathroom and this smell poured over me and into me, reviving old feelings of anxiety, love, hope, betrayal, anguish, fear, resentment and scorn. The main problem with getting a scent that you do not like on your hands is that you hands are permanently attached to your body and the only way to get the scent off is to overpower it or destroy it.
After a terrible car ride home with my mind and body racing and fighting the memories from which I had worked so hard to move away, I managed to get home and pour bleach on my hands. Drastic yes, necessary – most definitely. Another thing that happened in the car is that I wrote Vanilla a message which read “I accidently washed ma hands with vanilla soap, now my souls burning with memories of hope, fear, etc (as above).I cannot believe how bitchy you are to me.
At 16h30 I took a slow drive through to my former housemates flat. On the way he smsed me, as he always does, because he forgot to do something and wanted me to do it. Then I got an sms from Vanilla. Now it can be very difficult to understand how rare it is for Vanilla to reply to an sms. I could sms her about anything from the most mundane to something profoundly important and she absolutely will not ever reply on an infinite time line ever. She said “I am sorry you feel that way. I never meant to hurt you. I try my best not to be bitchy.” It really annoys me when people apologise for how I am feeling. Surely my feelings are my responsibility? Anyway, so I replied back after composing the message in my head while driving “Then how come you never sms, phone, email, make arrangements, reply to my message or be honest with me. All I did was care for you. It is hurtful and unfair how this turned out.” She has not and will never reply to that message.
I arrive at my former housemates place and he was busy making hummus. The hummus making was an incredibly protracted process where he added too much garlic and then had to add 4 more cans of chick peas and it was still too garlicky. We chilled on the balcony and smoked nag with his housemate and I had a good time with him. I was concerned because there had been bad vibes between him and other people that I was friendly with and I just didn’t want to deal with it or mediate, but the topic didn’t pop up and I most definitely wasn’t going to bring it up.
I got home to an empty house at 8ish and wound up having a chat to Wawa on MSN. She had got an impression from me that I was interested in her, which was partially true and we spoke about it for a while, then she started freaking herself out and I had to call her, then I agreed to go out with her a few times, but after reflecting on it for a while I decided that I didn’t want to. I care about her and I have a good understanding of her, who she is, and what she wants in life, but I do not think that a relationship between us would be a good thing at this point in time, so I smsed her and told her. I don’t feel any less friendly towards her, but she is worried that I will feel awkward.
Today I spent quite a while working out how to sync my cellphone with Google Calender. Basically I downloaded the Lightening addon for Thunderbird, because I’d rather had my calendar integrated into my email program then separate. I then downloaded the google calendar integration addon from Mozilla.org, then I downloaded My Phone Explorer which is an awesomely powerful tool for Sony-Ericssons. I run windows XP x64 which is not compatible with the Sony-Ericsson software, so for the last 2 years I’ve been using Bluetooth to send picture across and my dad’s lappy to back up my contact details. But now I can use My Phone Explorer, with the thunderbird plugin, plus the google calender thunderbird plugin and sync my phone with google calendar. The trick is that you need to use the google calendar account as your only calendar account, you cannot merge between a local and network calendar.
