It’s been quite an interesting busy week and I have been enjoying myself, though there obviously have been many ups and downs!

Last Wednesday I went to aftercare at Kenilworth Clinic. After aftercare I spoke the main counsellor there about my re-established contact with Alia of the Knife. After spending quite a while having increasingly hectic conversations with her over MSN I wound up going to see her play the night before. At the play a few things happened. I felt ignored and let down. I had gone extremely out of my way to see her and she was very busy and doing her play stuff, which is fair. I do not blame her for that, it’s my fault for having build up expectations. Lolita practically ignored me and I felt very bad. John – Alia’s now long term boy friend was there. I knew he would be there, but I chose to not think about it.

Alia’s play was haunting and beautiful and so fucking complex that less than 10% of the people who watched it understood it. The actors were good and there was good music and dialogue. The sets were intricate and good. After the play I went home. On the way home I sent Lolita a message saying “You no longer need to try work out what I feel, you actions have made your feelings clear enough. Look after yourself.” It was too cryptic, but I get very into my head when I am driving and compose eloquent complicated messages in my head and by the time I get home and send them they’re always too hectic.

So I chatted to Alia on MSN. Lolita came on to check if I was ok, but I was in the toilet and missed. I spoke to Alia about how I felt about Lolita’s behaviour earlier on that night. We spoke about her play and about John a bit, then I logged off.

After speaking to the guy at Kenilworth Clinic my opinion re-resolved. No Alia, I do not want to just be friends because you are fucking intense and the more time I spend being friends with you the more I let you pull me into your world. You have made your choice and you chose John, now I have made mine. Then I blocked her and Lolita and a few other choice people on Facebook and MSN, determined, once again, to rid myself of my desires, hopes, shattered dreams and pain, by moving away from the source thereof.

During the entirety of “last of last week” – the week of the 20th to 26th April I worked very hard to cover the required work for my pharmacology exam on Friday 25th April. I arrived just on time for the exam, having been delayed by traffic and my student card not letting my out of the parking lot. In one of the previous weeks we had been promised that the pharmacology was going to be an hour and a half long with fifteen mark questions. One we were all sitting in the exam we were told the paper was 45 minutes long. I gave Daria a high five and was very happy!

The exam was relatively straight forward. They hadn’t asked anything about malaria, so all the work I had spent trying to remember how to spell and say Artermether and Artesunate was in vain. There was a challenging 10 mark question asking about the initiation of ARVs and TB treatment in a patient just diagnosed with TB and HIV with a CD4 count of <40. I said phone a pharmacologist.

On the weekend I tried to make plans with a friend from Kenilworth Clinic. To be completely honest she’s really beautiful and has a strange outlook on life that blows my hair back a little. Anyway, after trying twice I got the response “I’m sorry, I cannot make it on Sunday because I have to help a friend of mine find a matric dance dress.” I replied to her “Oh. Ok. You seem like a really busy person. If you ever want to make plans with me you can get in touch with me. Take care,” which translates into “fuck you, you little lying bitch! How fucking stupid do you think I am? That’s the most made up and lame excuse I’ve ever heard. I really expected more of you, so fuck off.”

On Tuesday, after spending a large portion of the weekend procrastinating and another large portion of the weekend reading Paediatric and child health by Coovardia et al., I had my paediatrics examination. I arrived at the Falmouth road parking area at the same time as a few medical student friends, I then moved my ass really quickly up to and then through the hospital to G25 where my exam was. I chilled their a while and didn’t do anything too stressful, eventually the ward consultant came to call us.

My first patient was a 3 month old male child with croup and oral candidiasis. I took that being confident in your exam thing too hectically and got kakked on from a dizzy height by my examiner about being arrogant. I have subsequently reflected on it and emailed him an apology. My second patient was 4 year old with severe cerebral palsy, microcephay, cortical blindness and bad teeth. I passed both stations and therefore pass from this work into holidays.

I had made plans with one of my misfit medical student friends for that evening, but she forgot, so I wound up going to best friend’s house for nag. After some nag and robot chicken I went home and read a ridiculous amount of Dreseden Files Book Seven – Dead Beat.

On Wednesday I slept late then went back to aftercare. It was quite a decent group, but I am feeling old there. It is difficult to imagine myself having any kind of meaningful and equal relationship with the patients there, but I am still happy going. Afterwards I went through to my Wednesday after aftercare nag appointment. We smoked. This guy came and we started having a discussion about how Telkom, south africa’s evil and corrupt telephone provider has started charging for calls that do not connect. So this guy who just arrived said that it wasn’t true, then he said he had a friend at Telkom that he can phone to prove himself right. Then we kicked him out for having a friend at Telkom.

I then spent some time with my friends older brother and his other house mate looking at this awesome facebook group called “Funny inspirational pictures that are in poor taste.”

I then missioned through to Sir’s new flat in Sea Point. The main problem that occurred at this point was that I arrived at 20h00 and sir only arrived at 21h30. It was cool though, I hung out the Sir’s younger brother and his family. When Sir finally arrived we played some Jas and ate and had a fantastic time.

It then went through to a friend’s birthday at a club in Long Street. I had to fight to get in and then said happy birthday and left with Spidey who gave me lift to my car. She was looking beautiful and being nice to me and I had a return of a lot of strong feelings that I wished did not exist. I drove home trying not to think about her and sent her my usual message thanking her for not treating me like shit.

I slept late again and then spent the entire day trying to find and download software for unblocking my Sony Ericsson K750i. After hours and hours and hours, and frying a good many brain cells I managed to download a cool program called XS++ (http://forums.se-nse.net/index.php?showtopic=1633 which had a lot useful features, actually worked, and actually downloaded. I haven’t actually used it yet because I ran out of steam.

I then went to my main mate’s house. It was his birthday. We hung out there for a while, then went to Primi at Canal Walk. After 45 minutes at the restaurant his house mate SMS him to say that he had been taking a leak since we left and only just finished. He was very drunk. Then every got more pissed and we had a long protracted conversation about starting a show called “Big Brother Midgets.” Then we came up with another one called “Bigger Brother” where we get a whole lot of people from Sex and Love Addicts anonymous and stick them in a house, then after 15 minutes somebody will say “I cannot handle this any more, I need sex” and everybody will just have sex until the show ends.

We then went back to his house and everybody except me got high on cocaine, which was quite intense. I played Xbox360 with somebody for a while and we smoked nag which was cool

After another late night and a late morning I spent most of the day sorting out shit on my computer and reading. In the evening I went back to main mates house to get my jacket that I had left there, then to the bank to put money in my account from my dad’s account, then to Zulu’s house. The misfits met there and we smoked an absolute shitload of nag, ordered pizza and hung out. I played with wawa’s feet a bit and hugged her a bit. It felt alright. Lots of other randoms came and left. I enjoy hanging out with the misfits.

Today I have a plan with stutter.

I’m feeling well rested and happy. I’m ready to start my new block

Every night when I go to sleep I lie on my back with one hand on my chest and one hand on my abdomen. I then focus on my right foot and take two deep breaths, visualising roots of light growing from my toes up my leg. I eventually go through every part of my body. By the end I am meditating and calm. I then pray a bit. It feels good. It doesn’t always work, but it helps me sleep 50% of the time. I have started doing the kriyah again.

I am hoping and praying that my Elective to Israel comes around. I will be leaving in under a month if it happens. The woman at BGU is struggling to find a doctor to supervise my research. Every day I hope to hear from her, and I just don’t. I know she’s trying but I hope she succeeds. I would really enjoy a trip to Israel, I think.