Why has god bereft me of my sleep?

It is now Monday night. It’s been an average few days. I am not sleeping well. I do not feel like sleeping until quite late. My medication is not improving my sleep. I am considering calling my psychiatrist and or taking H1 receptor antagonist antihistamines. I have new pillows. I toss and turn. I get up. I lie on the floor, I have a hot drink. I go and lie in bed more. It’s ok. I am not being affected badly by it.

On Friday I wrote my exams. If subjective reports of others when compared to my subjective experience is a sign then my general medicine exam went well and my anaesthetic exam went less well. I arrived at the exam feeling quite good, calm, confident but not arrogant – generally ready. I then found out that the exam was on those UCT automatically marked papers that required the specific use of an HB pencil and I only had pens.

After the general medicine exam I arbed around the car park area and waited for the next exam. I tried to find an acceptable group of people to hang out with; people I liked that were not stressing. I spent some time with mark in my car. I opened the back passenger side widow of my car and it wouldn’t close. I had to pay the parking guard R20 to watch my car while I wrote anaesthetics.

I then went hope, had a nap after fixing my windows, I then went to go hang out with Lolita. I had benign time and was quite relaxed.

I went to my usual family for Shabbat supper. It was really nice to see their gay aunt’s wife son who was back from England. Supper was quite funny. My friends DAD had a mammogram and he was teased to bits about it. The younger of my friends got shouted at for talking about the dogs pink thing. One of the guests was exactly like Grandpa Simpson. For example, we were talking about breast cancer when she said “I was listening to this interesting show on the radio about breast cancer when I heard the gardener make a funny noise and went to go investigate.” She continually brought up ridiculous discussion topics and spoke incessantly. While she spoke my friends and I quoted Grandpa Simpson and hosed ourselves. “I was wearing an onion on my belt – as was the fashion at the time.” “The lamp shade’s running away.”

Afterwards I went to the bayit and chilled. I was not feeling well at all. After waiting there for quite a while I took vanilla up to her room and spoke to her for about 10 minutes. I explained to her about how I was upset with myself. I told her that in my opinion every single little interaction that we had had was due to my will; that she had given absolutely nothing at all and I had given everything: my care, time, money, creativity, concern, thought, effort, will, etc and she had taken them and absorbed them. I told her that I was not angry with her, asked her if she had any thing to add or say. I then told her that I was not prepared to give one more thing until she gave something back. She said she felt bad and I told her that she could make it up to me any time by giving some effort, but until then she’ll not get another thing from me. I then got up and left.

Saturday and Sunday were quite relaxed days. I got to bed early on Saturday morning because of the meeting and the chat with Vanilla. I then typed a birthday card for my dad, printed it, showered and went to bed. I woke up to my alarm at 9, then smsed the shaliach to make sure my appointment with the woman from Israel about my elective was actually on Saturday and not Sunday. He said it was on Saturday so I got up, got breakfast and went to town, only to find out that he thought that I was confirming on the time 10h30 not the day Saturday, so I drove home and went back to sleep.

In the evening I went out for supper with my dad, sister and step mom for my dad’s birthday. I volunteered to drive. My step mom and sister got trashed and danced at the restaurant until 23h00. I had agreed earlier on in the night to be the chauffer until 00h00. I read my book for most of the night. The food was good and I got a good desert too. After leaving the Dias they decided I would pick up my step mom’s brother from Botasig and take them to a place called Guzzlers so they could dance. Guzzler’s is the worst place on earth in some respect. I sat by a light and read until 00h00 when they left; I gave everybody lifts home and got to bed.

Sunday I had an excellent meeting with the woman from Israel and it looks likely that I will be able to go to Israel for my elective and I might even be able to get my flight subsidised, which would be so super awesome. I also spent most of Sunday in bed or reading. I finished Stormfront – book one of the Dresden files. I really enjoyed it thoroughly.

Today I did obstetrics.

Tomorrow I will hopefully get an email from my schizoid friend from uni with my last therapeutics patient. I will finish my portfolio stuff – the last few adapted treatment plans, and then print them. I have a fair amount of stuff to go through for my oral exam on Wednesday. I am not feeling concerned.

I have been in touch with my old medical school love a bit too much and I must leave her alone again.

I have no desire or will to do anything at the moment. I can do assigned tasks, play computer games, read and sleep. That is the full sumnation of my functioning. I’m not depressed, I don’t feel bad, I just do not feel like doing anything

So tonight I will upload this blog, shower, take my medicine, have a warm milky sugar free tea and then hopefully sleep. I miss sleeping.

Just before general medicine in 4th year

The last few days have not been fun. I’ve just read and read and read. Between reading I read also. I have covered my anaesthetics and my general medicine to a level I am happy with. I have studied hard and now I will rest and be relaxed when I write tomorrow.

I went to aftercare on Wednesday and then the bayit. I spoke about my rage towards vanilla. They said its good that I was angry at myself. At first I didn’t understand why I wasn’t allowed to be angry at her, but then I realised that it is my fault. I gave to much to her.

That is all I have done.

Studying…

Today I remembered what I don’t like about studying. There are many things that I do enjoy about studying. I like learning new things, interesting things, useful things and I generally remember what I learn. What I don’t like about studying is going over things that I have already learned one or more times. I find it painfully monotonous.

Today was a painfully monotonous day. I had 2 unsuccessful naps, and studying little, but I am going to graft tonight. I am currently busy reading my general medicine lecture notes. I have anaesthetic lecture notes, plus additional general medicine lecture notes on my computer, plus I need to, or at least want to, read though most of the oxford handbook of clinical medicine again.

I phoned the company that will be making the flags and waited the entire day for them to call me, but they didn’t. I got faced the truck surety form which I looked at thoroughly and then decided to fax it through to Joburg. I also phoned the other truck company and told them I’ll deal with them next time I am in the office.

My portfolio is still missing 2 patients which I still need to find.

I am eagerly awaiting the end of exams

Productive numb kinda day

Today the rage and anger within me subsided into a slow tiredness which I overcame. I feel a little out of it, numb and have used that to my advantage. I finished quite a lot of university work today; stuff that I’ve been avoiding for months because its just a pain. So, in terms of my portfolio exam I have just to find two patients from friends, one with bacterial meningitis and one with pyelonephritis. I then have a textbook to read before Friday, and maybe a few other little bookies. I did numerous question and answer patients, formatted by generic treatment guidelines – all 84 pages of them, wrote out a patient a friend leant me, wrote up an ethic patient and check through some other bits and pieces I also did work on the flags for machaneh. It looks like they’re coming together and should be ready in time. Tomorrow I need to go to the Office and sort out the vehicles. I need to go to the printing company and look at their flag sample. I would like to get those 2 patient I need. Overall I feel numb and dead. Not bad, not good, not alive, maybe dead?

The rage continues

My insides are hurting, my head feels like the promise of a migraine and I’m buring with rage.

Vanilla I’m furious with you. Over this year I have given so much to you. I have given you my time, effort and care. I have made every one of our arrangement. I have bought you things and invested myself in you.

You have given me nothing back. You have just taken and taken.

If I had invested this magnitude and quantity of effort into any other human being they would care. They would sms, call and make plans. They would be friendly and kindly towards me.

You are indifferent, yet you take more and more.

You are a bad person. You have stolen my hopes, dreams and efforts and left nothing in their place

My anger towards vanilla

I have learned a fuckload in the last hour or so. It has really been quite an amazing reflective experience. It’s the second time in a few days that rage and anger, fuelled by reflection have lead to the development of startling clarity with complex interpersonal issues.

After not seeing her for a few weeks I spent 2 hours or so watching heroes intertwined with vanilla tonight. I then went up to her room and asked for a kiss, then I tried to take one, then I left. I felt no loss, no sadness, but I did feel anger and it fuelled itself and lead to reflection and understanding.

Give and Take has been an issue which was brought to my attention at an aftercare session a while ago. It was never a concept I had consciousness of. I always gave and expected to receive back. Naive, true, but it is based on a principle which, though it needs adaption, is the basis of my workings. I treat others as I expect to be treated. Unfortunately give and take are not a way of treating others, they are a separate fundamental part of human interaction.

I have always given everything, I now need to try and negotiate give and take with my friends. With Vanilla I have poured hours upon hours of creativity, time, effort, emotions, intellect, etc and she has acted like the ground, she just discharged it to nothing. It’s really quite amazing. It appears that ultimately this is the lesson that I have gained in exchange for that huge amount of effort.

I have also learned that my perceptions are blinded by girls that I like. I see them but I hide their flaws from myself. I must be more intentful when I perceive people, especially beautiful girls.

Vanilla does not create; she is an absorber, a user and a waster. I attribute this to her lack of self-awareness. In order to create it is necessary to know ones self and set aims. She uses the kindness and care of other to sustain herself. I doubt this is conscious.

She is incapable of being in control of our friendship. Without my input there is nothing. She is a passivity phenomenon.

It wasn’t very “nice” of me but I sent her a message telling her to look inside herself and answer he questions. Does she plan to spend the rest of her life by herself? Life is too short…

I will phone her tomorrow. I am angry with her because she has discharged everything I have given her into nothingness. I can take my share of the blame for not noticing sooner and for not dealing properly.

Control

Give and take

Active soulgazing followed by analysis and action.

Dreams on Thursday night

I had two sets of dreams last night.

 

The first dream was bizarre for 2 reasons. Firstly I went to sleep while lying on my back with my hands on my chest because I was trying to relax and slow the racing thoughts in my mind. I found myself within a world of extreme fear. I was being chased. I was driving some vehicle or other and there was a group of people chasing me with the intention of killing mg. This was just known to me. I travelled quickly and hid well but they always found me and then I had to run. They moved with a knowledge that they’d catch me and kill me and I just ran. At some point I came to realise that there was a tracking device in my sleeping tablet, so I had to throw it away and then I managed to escape for a time, then they came and I confronted them and managed to destroy their party, but more were coming so I had to be still. I then had a myoclonic jerk of my left hand where it left my chest and hit the wall behind me causing me take wake. I knew paranoid psychosis

 

The second dream I had was about the shanties returning. It was at a camp, but more built up. There was a man that I was friendly with that had an old world war II propeller plane. He took the shanties up in the plane and showed them an awesome time. He then parachuted out and left it to them to land it, they failed to land it and then at a second attempt crashed it in hermanus, but they were alright except being traumatised.

 

Then I dreamed I was at a shopping centre with this beautiful Greek girl from the year below me in medicine. We did a few things together. We wound up going to some beautician that put a new colour lip stick on her and then told her she should grow a moustache or put a green makeup on her upper lip. I then struggled to take a photo of her with my phone for a before picture.

 

Later on we wound up going to a game arcade. She led the way. We tried to find tokens lying around so that we could play this game. We found tokens but we played something else. I wound up playing first but didn’t do so well, and then she played and did quite well. While she was playing I took a look around and realised that all the shops had closed and we were the only two people left in the centre. The we danced, something while and chaotic and spinning and after a time we both fell over and lay together content on the floor.

The current standing

I just had a long msn discussion with Alia and am now leaving her be again. I feel am a pathetic human being. Once again I will try to enforce boundaries and once again they will probably fall. I suppose it is a small victory each moment that they maintain.

I do not wish to continue this ridiculous thing with her. I have been criticised by many people before for being over intense, but our thing is something else. It’s super intense, emotion, intimate, intellectual and she runs it. She has no time for me and she has her 32 year old boy friend. I am left trying to chat with her on MSN, then to deal with the stuff which is left behind afterwards. I do not wish to continue with the inequality.

Whatever the thing was it was unhealthy and is now ended under my terms. If she ever gives into them I would be very happy. If she does not than at least I will have protected myself and be left with something out of the chaos.

I have re-blocked her on MSN and written her a detailed letter explain how and why in no uncertain terms.

I saw an 18 wheeler truck reversing and changing lanes on the N1. It was hectic.

I had my psychiatry oral today which didn’t go too well, but there was nothing I could have done about it. I covered enough work but didn’t know all that I needed to know

After my oral I went to the bayit, smoked nag with my x’s brother while we had a VP meeting. I then tried to make plans to see Lolita but she wasn’t keen, again.

Tomorrow I have another exam. In some ways I am more prepared than most, in other I’m horribly under prepared.