Vanilla

Life is about those few small victories among the great overwhelming defeats. We live within a universe that is ruled by the force of entropy. entropy is that truth that everything ultimately decays into meaningless chaos. We, on the other hang, we designed to create. The paradox here is that all that we create is ultimately destroyed and absorbed into the chaos. In the beginning there was nothing and in the end there too shall be nothing. Between those two points we fight an unwinnable batter to create those few small things of meaning among the background of eternal loss.

In January this year I started developing feelings for Vanill. Slowly and constantly the feelings grew. With each interaction I liked her more. I suppose I knew from the start that I was trying to fight a battle that I would not win, but I force myself to be optimistic because if I didn’t  I’d never leave my house. We became close and she, a generally awkward person, became comfortable with me. We gradually spent more and more time together talking shit, smoking nag and watching assorted funny TV shows. The relationship was relatively superficial but it grew in meaning. It provided me with that human contact which I so desperately long for and a sense that things, just for the moments we were together, were ok.

In the months that followed I tried to be together with her many times. She was never keen, saying that she didn’t like physical contact, but the relationship was more than a friendship to me by this stage. We’d sit together, holding one another, been affectionate, and enjoy our time. It was different to my other relationships with everybody else in my life.

One night, right after I had written off some section in an exam, I came over to the bayit to celebrate. I had made plans to see her that night, but she went out and I sat outside for 45 minutes until one of her house mates let me in. I had brought an assortment of presents and the house mate invited people over to drink some of them. Eventually I got bored and tried to sleep on her bed. 8 Hours after I had arrived to see her she arrived home. We lay in bed together in our pajamas holding each other and talking until 4am when I asked to her if I could kiss her and then she told me she just wanted to be friends. I felt really hurt, angry and lead on, but then again she had been telling me that she just wanted to be friends for a while. This was the point where I tried to get myself out and fucked myself over.

After avoiding the bayit for months I saw her again and we got back into an old pattern of behaviour. Then, at the mini-mach last weekend I decided to open up to her, the act of making myself vulnerable to her in the hopes that she would come around. I had recently been confronted at Kenilworth about giving to much and not taking and I saw this as an act of taking support from her. After we had spoken we were intensely close to one another. We had a few really good days of talking seriously and having fun. I was enjoying myself in the limbo between friendship and relationship, but it was not sustainable. I hoped above all hope that somehow things would work out. I really enjoy her company and she makes me feel good, calm happy, and many other things.

Last night I volunteered to be the designated driver for Vanilla and another house mate  as we went to a mutual friends 21st. I did not have a good night, but in the car on the way there Vanilla said that if she got drunk I could take advantage of her. I put effort into getting her drunk and I waited and waited until she was ready to leave. She had sobred up and to be fair I probably wouldn’t have taken advantage of her anyway.

We went back to the bayit, smoked nag, and talked. We talked about us and she final brought some issues to a head. Issues that she was really worried about her friendship with two other people I was with that she is friendly with, if we were together, issues of commitment, of not liking relationships, and few others. Then we spoke and somehow I managed to convince her temporarily that it would be alright. We kissed and made out and had a really unbelievable night. She was so warm, affectionate, enjoyable. I really felt tremendously close to her. I even managed to get a few hours of sleep in the bed next to her. I do not sleep well next to people normally but I felt strangely comfortable and calm next to her. The small victory.

I woke early in the morning, she slept in late. We kissed a little still in the morning but then we had a repeat of the talk we had had in the months before: She just doesn’t want a relationships and she doesn’t see that changing. The issues that she had brought up last night were no longer on even mentioned. Despite her uncertainty, that could perhaps give me hope of a long term positive resolution, the overwhelming feeling was that she did not want this she wanted what we had before we kissed. She didn’t regret it but she doesn’t want it and it makes her feel crowded. For the sake of my own incredibly fragile mental health in the face of the vulnerability I had created with her I had to push her and say that I cannot sit on the fence any more. Then she made her choice and my weekend of helping the bayit move came to complete and devastating end. My relationship with that gorgeous red-head that makes me laugh and provided a space a really needed stopped abruptly. The magic, beauty and potential dissipated into the entroy. The great defeat.

How do I feel now?
I feel pathetic. I cannot believe that I managed to fuck up again. Should I see this coming? Did I see it coming? Probably. I feel like such a fucking idiot. I don’t understand why I keep falling for girls that keep breaking me. I don’t understand why I cannot just be a normal human being and find somebody who wants to be with me. I don’t understand why I keep putting myself into vulnerable positions with people that I feel might not handle me gently.

I feel so unbearably sad and sore. My body hurts and I cannot outrace the speed pain. I have lost somebody so special to me. I have lost the potential for a meaningful and longterm relationship. I have lost a beautiful, warm, funny, intelligent and generally amazing woman that I had in my life. I’ve lost the bayit too now. I’ve lost its comfort, I’ve lost the place to go and relax after university. There are no words to describe the utter waste and loss.

I’m feel angry with Vanilla for not being able to compromise and for destroying our relationship, but its an accepting anger that flows with the sadness and pathos.

Dominatrix

Quite a few interesting things have happened to me over the past weeks. My medication continued to not work, resulting in an extremely heightened sense of anxiety. Thing which a month ago would have been like a walk in the park became the cause of great fear for me.

A day came when I was having quite intense facebook messages with a wise woman in a youngling. She was feeling anxious and uncontrolled and I know that she is or was a cutter, so I phoned her. I helped a bit.

On the Friday of that week she called and we made plans to go get coffee. I had, earlier in the week sent her a message teller her that I had feelings for her for a long time, but never did anything because of her age. I told her that I’d meet her at a Cavendish in 15 minutes. The exact reasons I told her that are still unclear to me. I think my heightened anxiety had something to do with it, but it was completely unreasonable. I would have been able to meet her in 30 minutes, but there was a cricket match which further slowed me down.

After arriving at the restaurant and not seeing her I phoned. She was just wondering around in Claremont with her headphones on. Bizarre. Anyway, so we sat down, ordered coffee and small talked for a while. Then I broached the question of how she felt about what I had mailed her and how she felt. She then took the reins like a dominatrix and told me that we were going to play a game wherein we each took turns asking questions and then honestly answering. After about an hour of this intense game I left to go for supper. In the car on the way home, as my memories solidified, I realised that she had avoided my initial question, so my anxiety shot through the roof.

The next day we had this surreal chat on MSN. In the background pumping Israeli music was playing, then there were 2 windows open that I was juggling, her and 2 drunk Australian friends of mine. She was very hectic, she wanted to have some undefined nameless relationship with me where we explored dynamics, creativity, experiences and something else with nothing sexual for a long time. We speak a lot about feelings, it’s something of hers which I have taken and am trying to use more in my life: “How do you feel?”

Later that night I went to a university friend of mine’s house for supper. I thought it would be supper with him and his family, but I was very mistaken. It turned out that it was a formal sit down meal with him, his sister and mother, and 4 other university friends. He cooked a 4 course meal, wore a suite and was very formal. I had never before realised how unique this friend of mine was.

After a pleasant dinner fraught with anxiety I went through to Obs to meet my little lady. I found her sitting by herself in a restaurant reading art books, listening to her portable music player and drinking cocoanut milk. It was amazingly bizarre. We spoke for all of 3 minutes before a friend of hers and some guy she had hooked up with arrived, both drunk off their tree.

After spending 45minutes or so deliberating about what we’d like to do I took them home and went in. The boy went his own way. The drunk woman ate like 500g of tuna pasta, possibly vomited, and went upstairs to sleep leaving me with my little lady. We went into the lounge and had an incredible conversation. It took a while to get started because I don’t think we have developed a playful way of dealing with one another. We then swept through a range of interesting, intense, emotional, personal topics. The climax of the discussion was when she started saying something that I knew the words to and therefore meant we had both been to Kenilworth clinic. It was one of those moments that made my world spin. The statistical probability of this must be almost infinitely minute. It was incredible.

The following day I was anxious off my head. I went through to town where I dropped off a kiddish cup at my regular Friday night venue, then went to the bayit where I spoke to the best jock ever about my experiences with this girl and why I was so anxious. The main reason I was more anxious is that I felt so incredible close to her after the previous night’s conversation and I didn’t know how to contain it and make it go away because she didn’t want to be with me.

I then went down to the school where she was working on an art project. I bought her a chocolate. We had our awkward initial chit-chat then she said to me, after clear anxiety and internal conflict, “Adam, I need to be more honest to you than I have been:” At this critical moment which could be anything from I have feelings for you too to this is not working out for me Lolita walked in and the conversation came to an abrupt and unnatural ending.

I then went through to my old housemate’s new place where we spoke for a while about our mutual problems and life experiences over the past while. In the car on the way to his place I came to realise and grudgingly accept that I needed to see my psychiatrist again to change my medication.  I spoke to her about this girl and my issues with her.

I then went back to the bayit to discharge my super anxiety for the fourth consecutive time.

On Tuesday I sent her a message on facebook saying that it wasn’t working out for me. It being that undefined thing between is which caused my so much anxiety and grief. She phoned and told me that she was trying to create the same thing with this 32 year old artist and she didn’t feel that she was giving this undefined thing between us the time and effort it deserved by doing it with somebody else at the same time. I was drugged out of my mind on medication at the time, but I felt ok with that.

Migraine

I have migraines. Yesterday I felt the potential of a migraine as that subtle, almost impalpable pain on the right hand side of my head, superiorly on my temple. I felt it coming on slowly. At first it was just the potential to have a migraine that
I might be able to ignore and it might go away. A point came when I knew that it would be. I took two panados in the hope that the decreases gastric emptying associated with migraine wouldn’t delay or prevent paracetamol’s blissful absorption.
I kept speaking to my seductive poison, hoping that the pain wouldn’t come, wondering how it would show itself. Suddenly it fell like a guillotine; from nothing to 7 out of ten on the pain scale. I wanted to quickly leave my poison but I couldn’t. I waited, trying to want to leave quicker but failing

After I logged off I went to the toilet, brushed my teeth, flossed and went to bed.  I thought that when I hit the pillow I’d be able to blot out the pain with it some how. I hope that the pain and consciousness would fade quickly, but I was not afforded that luxury. It was agony beyond words, beyond hope, beyond fear. I rolled, thrashed and writhed in my bed. I fought the pain like I’d fight for my life. It was like somebody was continually stabbing a new wound through to the lateral aspect of my left eye socket, somewhere agony where I don’t ever touch or feel. I pounded my head, I tried to compress that pulsing artery on my temple, I tried acupressure, I thought of taking more medicine,  I thought of screaming for help, for somebody to take me to hospital. There was NO escape

After a period of agony, fighting and hopeless came the nausea with its inevitable vomiting, sleep and escape. My medically trained mind, between the throws of agony, started trying to work out exactly what about the nausea and vomiting made the migraine get slightly better for a short time in order for me to escape. Migraine is caused by abnormal blood vessel dilation within the meninges, nausea and vomiting is causes a huge parasympathetic drive in the body leading to bradycardia and decreased blood pressure. Maybe that’s the trick, so while struggling to the bathroom I try the Valsalval manoeuvre and carotid massage, both of which lead to slight relief followed by more agony on top of agony with added agony.

I get the bathroom and I am sweating, but I mean sweating worse than I have ever sweated, its flooding off of every micron of my body. I’m nauseous and I’m finished. I don’t really want to vomit but every smell, every small whiff of toilet freshener, soap, urine, anything make me want to vomit, but I’m trying to control it now; to control my reaction to the migraine. I’m taking slow calming breaths, focussing on slowing my heart rate, thinking about my parasympathetic nervous system. I take my top off because I’m overheating and drowning in my sweat.

I’m lying on the floor and slowly, slowly getting better. Feeling my body stop fighting the pain, feeling my body work with the pain, work with itself and conscious control to completely give up the fight and relax; to give up all hope of wining and accept my loss; to win by loosing all hope and just give up.

There, like I’d always known in theory, lay my true salvation, lying half-naked and drench in sweat on the floor, came the peace that brought me enough freedom from the pain for me to go back to my room and sleep; Freedom in completely giving up. Freedom

Migrane

I have migraines. Yesterday I felt the potential of a migraine as that subtle, almost impalpable pain on the right hand side of my head, superiorly on my temple. I felt it coming on slowly. At first it was just the potential to have a migraine that I might be able to ignore and it might go away. A point came when I knew that it would be. I took two panados in the hope that the decreases gastric emptying associated with migraine wouldn’t delay or prevent paracetamol’s blissful absorption.

I kept speaking to my seductive poison, hoping that the pain wouldn’t come, wondering how it would show itself. Suddenly it fell like a guillotine; from nothing to 7 out of ten on the pain scale. I wanted to quickly leave my poison but I couldn’t. I waited, trying to want to leave quicker but failing

After I logged off I went to the toilet, brushed my teeth, flossed and went to bed.  I thought that when I hit the pillow I’d be able to blot out the pain with it some how. I hope that the pain and consciousness would fade quickly, but I was not afforded that luxury. It was agony beyond words, beyond hope, beyond fear. I rolled, thrashed and writhed in my bed. I fought the pain like I’d fight for my life. It was like somebody was continually stabbing a new wound through to the lateral aspect of my left eye socket, somewhere agony where I don’t ever touch or feel. I pounded my head, I tried to compress that pulsing artery on my temple, I tried acupressure, I thought of taking more medicine,  I thought of screaming for help, for somebody to take me to hospital. There was NO escape

After a period of agony, fighting and hopeless came the nausea with its inevitable vomiting, sleep and escape. My medically trained mind, between the throws of agony, started trying to work out exactly what about the nausea and vomiting made the migraine get slightly better for a short time in order for me to escape. Migraine is caused by abnormal blood vessel dilation within the meninges, nausea and vomiting is causes a huge parasympathetic drive in the body leading to bradycardia and decreased blood pressure. Maybe that’s the trick, so while struggling to the bathroom I try the Valsalval manoeuvre and carotid massage, both of which lead to slight relief followed by more agony on top of agony with added agony.

I get the bathroom and I am sweating, but I mean sweating worse than I have ever sweated, its flooding off of every micron of my body. I’m nauseous and I’m finished. I don’t really want to vomit but every smell, every small whiff of toilet freshener, soap, urine, anything make me want to vomit, but I’m trying to control it now; to control my reaction to the migraine. I’m taking slow calming breaths, focussing on slowing my heart rate, thinking about my parasympathetic nervous system. I take my top off because I’m overheating and drowning in my sweat.

I’m lying on the floor and slowly, slowly getting better. Feeling my body stop fighting the pain, feeling my body work with the pain, work with itself and conscious control to completely give up the fight and relax; to give up all hope of wining and accept my loss; to win by loosing all hope and just give up.

There, like I’d always known in theory, lay my true salvation, lying half-naked and drench in sweat on the floor, came the peace that brought me enough freedom from the pain for me to go back to my room and sleep; Freedom in completely giving up. Freedom