Hell on earth

Yesterday I started a new section of my current block at Khayalitsha day hospital. It’s a small building with a confusing internal layout located at the end of a road in a township. The thought of driving there myself makes me start sweating with fear, and I am not a scared person.

During the introductory tour of the hospital the sheer number of people made me feel so sad. I think that it is highly unreasonable for such a huge volume of sick people to wait from 4h30 in such crowded unpleasant circumstances in order to be seen by a doctor.  There are literally thousands of poor underprivileged and sick human beings waiting in crowded uncomfortable conditions for hours.

A man caught my notice with strange black stuff criss-crossed on his face.

Later I had to spend time in the dressing room where they change patient’s dressings. This man came in and started unwinding his bandage which I thought was a beanie. It took him about half an hour because it was clearly hurting him. It became clear to me that black stuff on his face was stitches. Once his bandages were off I was horrified to see the number of stitches. I was intrigued and saddened, so I asked him what happened.

He was walking around about a week ago and some guys tried to mug him. He didn’t want to give them his cell phone, so they assaulted him with an axe on the head and neck causing 13 deep sharp wounds. They then cattle-tied him to the train tracked and fired at him with a gun. He was saved by a railway security guard.

It was clear from talking to him that he hadn’t even got to spend more than a few hours in hospital. They had just sewn up his wounds and sent him back out into the cold cruel world. I ask this sister if it were possible to get him counselling. She told me that this kind of stuff happens every single day in Khayalitsha.

She was unimpressed at my lack of detachment.

I was unimpressed by her lack of humanity.

The morality in traffic

I have always considered my driving to be moral. I wait in queues of traffic and do not cut in front.

Yesterday I found a completely immoral shortcut which cuts 15 minutes off my time spent in traffic. It involves driving in the turn left only lane when I want to go straight, the turning left, then crossing over 2 busy lanes of traffic in order to go via the petrol station and enter the busy lane of traffic turning back onto the road I originally turned left out of, but at the end of the bottle neck.

I am not sure how I will proceed with that.

Disgusting feet and rain

My patient on Wednesday was fat. Well, maybe a bit bigger than “fat.” The paramedics that brought her through described her as “huge” twice in about 3 sentences on the transfer form. I wrote ++ obese at least twice on my write up. Anyway, so this massive lady with “undiagnosed” hypertension, diabetes and probably dislipidaemia came in with a second episode of celulitis of her left lower limb. Her already ripping massive big fuck off lower limb was double the size of the other ripping massive big fuck off lower limb, bright red, scaling, sore, hot, swollen and dysfunctional. I suppose the only thing to say is once you’ve seen cellulites you’ve seen cellulites.

A while later I was presenting her to a consultant who asked what the source was. Another consultant looked between her toes and wow! Athlete’s foot by the kg and macerated and beyond revolting.

Today I was asked to take blood from a woman. As I walked into the triage room to find her I became aware of a horrendous smell, first I thought somebody had shat themselves but then it all became clear. The woman had wet gangrene and her entire foot was a rotting, melting, festering… thing, which probably needed to be cut off above the knee. YUCK.

I had found out yesterday that it was the birthday of this awesome girl that I know from aftercare today, so I had resolved yesterday night to go to her place and give her some chocolates on her birthday. I left the ER for lunch and found that it was raining like the ocean from the heavens. I decided that if I waited I would wait forever so I went. I was soaking by the time I got to my car, I then got soaked again going to the shop to by her a present, then again going to Kenilworth clinic to find out where she lived and if they thought it was ok, then again when I went to the wrong house and stood in the world destroying downpour for 15 minutes, then again when I stood outside the write house in a downpour to end downpours for 6 minutes before they realised that that buzzer like sound was their door bell and not whatever else they could think it might be.

The art of living and the medical emergency room

In final week of my holiday I partook in a course called “The Art of Living: Part 1.” It was about a lot of things, which I cannot really reflect on here, but in short its about breathing, meditation, thoughts, emotions, happiness and many other things which have been affecting me negatively and I am now using to affect me positively. For the week of the course I was on a funny diet; no animal products except milk, no canned food, no smoking, drinking or drugs, no onion, garlic, mushrooms or aubergines and no caffeine. The onions and garlic were the most difficult part, and also the canned food. I did some very awesome breathing exercises and learned 11 very useful pointers on life.

I also rested a lot, did some personal house keeping, and tried to psych myself up for university.

On one of the days I was meant to meet up with this girl that I had a crush on from grades 7-10. I met up with her again on facebook. On the night before I was meant to meet her we had a really awesome conversation when we were both online at the same time and messaging each other back and forth. I struggled to sleep that night because I was so excited to meet up with her again, and then she got gastro.

I started uni again last Monday and have been working in the ER at Groot Schuur. It’s a very hectic place, filled with huge tragedies and small triumphs. There is a triage area where I have not worked, then a secured door which passes the holding area – a place where patient who have been seen and stabilised wait for admission or discharged. Its often packed and smelly. Just after the holding area on the left is the Ante room. The sick and dying, along with the grievously ill and other people who need medical attention come en mass and wait either in chairs or on beds to be seen.

The emergency room is run by Dr Aboo. He is an amazing diagnostician. I’ve seen him diagnosed things without speaking or touching the patient. He also has a funny, sometimes very twisted sense of humour and a completely straight face. The deputy head of the ER is doctor Parolis, who is a great diagnostician, a good teacher and a decent person. There are also many registrars, senior health officers and students running around, working, saving lives, drinking coffee, and generally taking light of a very intense experience.

On the first day I was there there was a 95year old (yo) women with pneumonia and decreased level of consciousness. Dr Aboo said “This bloody woman doesn’t need a doctor, she needs a bloody preacher. What do we pay them for?” The next woman next to her was mute. Later during the day I was sitting opposite this duo and writing in some guys file. I heard the mute woman making sounds and looked up to see her gesturing. I went to try and elicit the problem. Do you have a headache? Do you need the toilet? Where’s it sore? Are you hungry? She was pointing at the 95yo’s catheter bag. I lifted it and said “what do you want with this?” when the 95yo said “oh thank you! That’s much better.” The poor lady’s catheter bag had been pulling on her urethra for hours and she had been too ill to say or do anything about it. Small triumphs.

On Tuesday we had a shit lecture for which I arrived half an hour late. After the lectures I sorted out some logistical stuff, dropping keys I accidently took back at the bayit, paying a bill at Victoria Hospital. I then made plans and saw the girl from the week before. I was so anxious before I went to ring her door bell. I had to take long breaths and calm my mind. She let me in. Walking to her door was slow motion with deafening silence. She was there! Real! I was grinning like a beagle.

The first conversation we had could have been purchased from Monty Python as “Serious psychiatric conditions from which we suffer.” It was on a half-price special because of the sadness and anxiety with which it has left me. Why does such a beautiful girl that was the focus of my dreams for years have to have schizophrenia? Why can she not retain memory? Where has her magic gone? Why did this have to happen to her? Why does she still think drinking and drugs are not that bad for her?

On Wednesday I clarked patients and did my bit in the ER until 2. I then went to aftercare and spoke about my sadness. In addition, the ER was getting to me and still is. I enjoy the fast pace of it and the challenge, but it really is a place of very small triumphs and much death, suffering and horror. Old people dumped by their families because they cannot or will not look after them any more; people with cancer and chronic obstructive airway disease dying horrible, painful deaths, and many other things beyond the scope of normal human experience.

After aftercare I went out with my spiritual friend that I had formed an amazing connection with early in the year. We spoke for a long time. We watched the sunset on the beach in camps bay then had tea and spoke. I got home late.

On Friday night I worked in the ER from 12pm until 3am. I left feeling tired, sore and depressed. I spent quite a lot of time in bed during the weekend. I washed my car, did some shopping, nothing special.

Yesterday in the ER the 6th years were being too competitive for patients, so I left and had lunch in Grotties. We had a tutorial on putting in the intubation tube, which was cool. It also finished early, so I went to the bayit for a little. I saw Vanilla, which was sad. I then went to my 2 year old second cousin’s birthday which was too hectic for me. I then went to a friend of mine that I really like. She has a fucked back and is not in a good place at the moment. We spoke in bed for an hour, then I went to AOL (art of living) to do the Monday long kriyah.

Today felt like a balloon, long hard and empty. We had 2 shit lectures, spent an hour and half listening to each other’s boring presentations. I then went to get a rusting scratch on my car sorted. Afterwards I started going home, but then went to fetch my tie from my cousin’s house. I tried to make arrangements with a few people in the area, all of which fell through.

Over the past 2 weeks my baseline anxiety has gone up a lot for no reason and I am not in a happy space.

teenaged dirtbag baby

Yesterday I had an unbelievable experience. There’s a girl that I liked when I was at school from grade 7 to grade 10. I had a huge crush on her, but I was horribly, hideously unequipped to deal with my own feelings, let alone try and express them to her. Thing were never anything, but I have always thought about her and wondered how she was, where she was, etc. I heard a few murmurs about her every couple of months or years, but she remained, as she always had been, an enigma.

On facebook I regularly searched to see if she had an account. For months my searches were in vain and I never found her, until about a week ago. I was so ridiculously happy to find her, then I added her as a friend. I week passed and I waited, then I got accepted. I sent her a message saying hi, explaining in a simple, unintimidating way who I was and ask her what was up. She replied a day or two later, then I replied and she was online.

This resulted in a ridiculous online messaging sessions resulting in us having plans to meet up and smoke nag at Kirstenbosch. It was the most surreal, wonderful thing I had experienced in years… then she got sick and it didn’t materialise… yet

My restful vac

After the disaster with Vanilla, the girl who ruined the smell of vanilla for me, I spent a day reeling from the disaster that was the night spent in the warm embracing arms of a girl who was entirely disinterested in me.

I made a “To do…” list for the rest of the vac. It consisted of doing a few things every day including watching Simpsons, Reading The Wheel of Time, playing computer games, not waking up early or to an alarm clock and seeing people most days. I made a list of people who I did want to see, and a few people who I did not want to see.

On the first Sunday of my vac I went to see an Israeli movie with this amazing, strange, charismatic man I worked with at camp a few years back. We saw a decent movie called mashu matok. Afterwards I met up randomly with a few other people I knew and saw an interesting, if short movie called “green chariot.” The second movie was about a religious Jewish Russian emigrant who found out his maternal grandmother, and therefore he himself, was no Jewish. It re-emphasised how fucked Judaism is.

On Monday I took my 1994 citi golf 1.6 in to The Carpenter’s Shop to be panel beaten. The Carpenters shop is a religious Christian institution that takes destitute people off the street and teaches them skills and helps them find jobs. It’s a pity they’re Christian, but the people were nice.

On Monday night I took my dad’s car, which drives much more smoothly and enjoyably then mine. I saw one of my school computer class friends for Pizza.

On Tuesday I went to the bayit and met up with one of my friends from Joburg who was in town. We spent a few hours trying to build an electric nag coal out of a soldering iron. We then went out for Chineese. I cannot handle how good the beef in black bean sauce is! I had a good night, but was stilling feeling terrible about vanilla

On Wednesday I went to Aftercare. I spoke very openly and honestly about how down and shit I was feeling about Vanilla. I then went through to town. I had 3 hours to kill and it was a choice between going to the house in which Vanilla lived or going to sit in the car by myself somewhere… I saw her and felt shit, sad, disappointed and let down. I then went to Ponchos where I met up with a large group of friends. I saw a friend that I see infrequently. It was good to see him and we made plans to meet up on the weekend. I was surprised to see Lolita there. I spent the majority of my time interacting with her. We spoke a lot about our feelings. I cannot describe how strange and awkward it is to have the most meaningful conversation of my week with a person 8 years younger than me. After supper we went to a bar then back to Lolita and her brother’s house. She fell asleep on my shoulder.

On Thursday

On Friday I went to my friend’s grandparents for supper. Thereafter I went to chill and smoke nag with my old friend, but he was not home, so I just went home and had an early night.

On Saturday I had a great day. I met up with my old friend from Wednesday. We sat at a restaurant at canal walk for about 5 hours, smoking nag and talking. We then went to the freedom toaster, where I fucked some dude’s burning process up. He was fucking pissed off and I was upset with myself for interfering. At the end of the day I hope it all worked out fine. I burned ubuntu linux x64. It installed and actually worked!

Later that day I met up with this girl of which I really am fond. We have a lot in common and connect on a very deep, intense level. On the way to a restaurant a car came so close to hitting me that it took off the glass of my dad’s car’s driver-side mirror. An hour into our coffee she developed diarrhoea and I had to take her home. I laughed on the way home because the statistical odds of somebody developing diarrhoea in one hour of taking them out must be very very low. My closest friend smsed me and commented “Sometimes you hit the pole and other times the pole hits you.

On Sunday I met up with two of my friends from camp. We had pizza and spoke a lot. The one guy told me his brother is going through this phase where he sends photos of his poo every time he makes one to my friend. I cannot stop laughing about how funny that was!

On Monday I went to my new GP. I respect and love him very much. I had worked with him earlier in the year. He gave me a good general check up, reassured me of all my health concerns and syringed my ears. My dad and I then spent hours looking for a new mirror. We found one, but it didn’t work. I also transferred money into his bank account for the car’s broken door that the guy who smashed the door gave me.

On Tuesday a very dear friend of mine who had just returned from the states and the UK came over for supper. We had a very pleasant night. We smoked the house out a bit with a fire and also burned a plant pot on the fireplace.

On Wednesday I went to aftercare, then to one of my friends from Uni’s house. We watched two movies and had supper. Her mom drove me mad by being ridiculously Jewish and irritating about feeding me and making sure I was happy. It’s funny because she’s not Jewish. My friend and her sister had cat fights all night and her little brother irritated the shit out of me.

On Thursday morning I got my car back, drove my friend who was over on Tuesday to the airport to collect somebody else’s Kombi from the airport, then went to GF Jooste to look for clip board. Afterwards I saw my psychiatrist. In the night I met up with a friend of mine from London. I know her from my gap year in Israel. We went out for coffee, nag and catch up.

Friday I picked her up in the early afternoon. I took her to hout bay, the view points on the road between hout bay and camps bay, then for Ice Cream, and brownies at Sinful in Camps bay. I then went with her to a bar in Kloof Street where I met with another friend from mitbach at camp. We had a great time. I then went with her to my usual Friday night supper spot, then to my old friend that I’m trying to get reacquainted with’s house for chillin.

On Saturday I had a chilled day at home.

On Sunday I woke up early, went to the airport to help with the winter camp kids departing to winter camp. I saw satan and it felt ok. I then went to my grandmother’s consecration, which was shit. I always find it terrible seeing my family. I collected my British friend; we then went to Greenpoint market. I bought a new nag, some incense and a book. I then dropped her at home and came home.

On Monday I collected the Brit again and had a whole mission which involved going to the same shopping centre twice, her hostel twice and another building in town to find a bank that would let her withdraw dollars. From there we went to UCT, Rhodes memorial and the Kirstenbosch. At Kirstenbosch we spent a long long time trying to find the proteas. Obviously I should have realised that it made the most sense to put our national flower the farthest from the entrance. After that we went to my former neighbour I’m reconnecting with. I then rushed home, bought my step mother a birthday card and had a funny, enjoyable supper with my old school friend I saw 2 weeks ago, his new girlfriend and his step- half- brother.

Today I slept late, went out with my dad to buy some clothing and a birthday present for my step mother, then started the art of living course.