Mundane few days

Tuesday I came into university late. I was
still not feeling hundreds and couldn’t force myself to sit in traffic for an
hour in order to arrive on time for an epidemiology lecture. On my way through
I went to a panel beaters whose manager was not their for the third time in a
row, so I told them to get bent and went to another guy further down the road
who gave me a verbal quote of R1800. I then went to the guy who sold me my car,
who took me to a guy named George who runs a panel beaters behind a shell in
lower Woodstock. 

I rushed in to uni and managed to arrive
just in time for a mind numbing, spirit crushing, sole destroying lecture on
health and human rights.  Directly after
that lecture we were informed that the vitally important lecture on policy was
cancelled and we were going to have our rural health lecture. The lecture
wasn’t too bad, but then it wasn’t too good either.

I went to collect my quote, for R1500, on
my way home 

Wednesday was a wonderful day in the public
health rotation of fourth year MBChB. It started off with a round two of the
unbearably, insufferable and inhumane health promotion seminar, which, thank
god, only went on for an hour. The best thing about the seminar finishing in a
hour was that we were able to spend 5 hours at university doing absolutely
nothing at all before our DP ethics lecture at 3.

After the initial seminar on Wednesday I
kicked all the lectures and site facilitators out of the lecture theatre and
informed that class that I had officially had enough of how shit this block
was. I proposed an idea, which I am now carrying through, of running an
evaluation survey on WebCT about the course in order to write a legitimate
letter to the department in the hope of improving the course for all. I spent
most of my time in the 5 hour break working on this survey. I met the head of
the IT department on health science campus twice. I have also written a letter
to the head of the HSSC for permission to use their forum on WebCT. 

Friday was quite a cool day. We went to
Greenpoint CHC where we had a cool little seminar run for us by Dr Saban on
Motivational interviewing. After the seminar we all saw one patient who we had
to motivationally interview which being videotaped, thereafter we watched the
tapes and reviewed how it went. I felt pretty good about how my interview went.

After Greenpoint CHC we had a dull ethics
tut. After that was finished I bumped into a girl that I have had issues with,
but I think they’re over. It was so amazing to see her. 

I went to upper campus after our petty dull
ethics lecture where I met my usual Friday friend. We went to the bar this time
and also spent some time watching the jocks practice rugby mockingly. There
were a few other friends of his there which were all cool.

I went to my usual friends for Friday night
supper which was relatively uninteresting. I then went to catch the tail end of
the Habo 3^rd Seder. I hung out with some decent people and smoked
nag. It was overall quite good. 

Saturday I went to Simon’s Town for one of
my oldest friend’s birthday parties. It was relatively chilled, compared to the
debaucherous parties in years gone by, but was cool. I left there at around 815
and went home and had an amazing nights sleep. That chick that I liked who
scored the friend of mine facebooked me, we communicated briefly, but I’m very
over her.

Today I relaxed and slept a lot. I had a
great, relaxing bath. 

This week seems like it could be quite
chilled.

I have decided that when I pass away I
would like to be cremated. I would like my ashes to be poured into gold being
cast, and from that gold, 3 rings to be made. I already own a diamond, so I now
need a ruby and either a yellow diamond or sapphire. Red gold with ruby, white
gold with diamond yellow gold with yellow precious stone. Red gold ring will be
engraved with the word love and a further inscription, white gold with the word
serenity and yellow gold with the word memory. I have 3 specific people that
will get these rings anonymously made for them

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Return to calm

After a good nights sleep I felt much
better. I emailed her and said “You have no reason to treat me like shit, so
stop it.” She did not reply.

I spent Sunday at home doing sweet nothing. 

On easter Monday met with 2 of my friends
from the steering committee of camp last year. It as pleasant, but felt a bit
empty. I then went to the bayit where I dropped off a roll of tinfoil and
somebody’s long-sleeve tshirt. I smoked nag for a while then came home. I wrote
3 pages on my experiences of the block so far, which I need to do.

Today I went to visit a hospice. I felt
very worried. I do not deal well with suffering. I also needed to get quotes on
my car and put an advertisement up in the local shopping centre to get some
computer work. 

The hospice visit was tame. I saw an HIV
positive woman with TB and candidiasis “on her head and down below.” She was
feeling much better and is due for discharge at the end of the week. The second
woman we saw had a breast cancer metastases in her neck and possibly in other
places. She spoke and she spoke and she spoke, and then when she was done
speaking she spoke a fuckload more. She had no pain and no symptoms except for
a strange horse voice and a swollen face. It as interesting to find out that
most of the palliative care patients are not near death at all.

I then went to get quotes on my bashed in
rear right door. The first place I went to the guy who quotes wasn’t their, I
then drove through to town where the company wanted R450 cash upfront before
quote, so I told them to get bent. I then got my haircut, drove back to my
area, where I asked my automechanic to recommend a place, then I went their and
got a quote. +-R4000. I need a new door. 

I made amazing kneidelach.

In the back of my mind I still feel like I
am racing. I need to find my calm again.

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Return to calm

After a good nights sleep I felt much
better. I emailed her and said “You have no reason to treat me like shit, so
stop it.” She did not reply.

I spent Sunday at home doing sweet nothing. 

On easter Monday met with 2 of my friends
from the steering committee of camp last year. It as pleasant, but felt a bit
empty. I then went to the bayit where I dropped off a roll of tinfoil and
somebody’s long-sleeve tshirt. I smoked nag for a while then came home. I wrote
3 pages on my experiences of the block so far, which I need to do.

Today I went to visit a hospice. I felt
very worried. I do not deal well with suffering. I also needed to get quotes on
my car and put an advertisement up in the local shopping centre to get some
computer work. 

The hospice visit was tame. I saw an HIV
positive woman with TB and candidiasis “on her head and down below.” She was
feeling much better and is due for discharge at the end of the week. The second
woman we saw had a breast cancer metastases in her neck and possibly in other
places. She spoke and she spoke and she spoke, and then when she was done
speaking she spoke a fuckload more. She had no pain and no symptoms except for
a strange horse voice and a swollen face. It as interesting to find out that
most of the palliative care patients are not near death at all.

I then went to get quotes on my bashed in
rear right door. The first place I went to the guy who quotes wasn’t their, I
then drove through to town where the company wanted R450 cash upfront before
quote, so I told them to get bent. I then got my haircut, drove back to my
area, where I asked my automechanic to recommend a place, then I went their and
got a quote. +-R4000. I need a new door. 

I made amazing kneidelach.

In the back of my mind I still feel like I
am racing. I need to find my calm again.

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Betrayeresses of hope

At the moment I feel intensely angry. I
feel frustrated, inadequate, emasculate, disempowered and beyond hope.

I do not understand why woman have to be
deceitful to me. The girl that I really liked a week ago, after telling me that
she had been with too many guys and wanted to be single for a while, hooked up
with one of my friends. To be fair, they are much better suited for each other.
I just wish she had said “I am not interested in you,” I am not attracted to
you” or simply “I do not want to be with you.”

I came home from my weekend and decided to
spend the rest of the weekend, and possibly an extended time after that by
myself. I just cannot handle people any more. I cannot contain, manage or
ignore the constant shattering of hopes and dreams. I then got a message from a
guy I am going to be working closely with at the end of the year saying he’s in
town and wants to meet up.

To cut a long story short I wound up going
out for a picnic of the beach with him and some others, including Satan, my x
who has the emotional maturity of a 2 month old infant with cerebral palsy, Down
syndrome and metastatic retinoblastoma. The way she makes me feel by being
short with me and ignoring me is just so outcast. I do not have feelings for her;
I just want to be treated with respect and human dignity. In this instance I
need to accept the fact that she is a cold-hearted, cruel, emotional inept and
spiteful human being and will never change. I would give me undying sole for
her to change just so we could be friends. I don’t even think she’s attractive.

Then we picked up another x of mine whose
fun theme is “I am an emotional wreck of a slut.” I had her and one of my close
friends in the back of my car, babbling away and meaningless conversation about
her sex life while I drove like a maniac on amphetamines home. I think I sore
and mumbled to myself the whole way there.

I then went to a friend’s band’s gig. The
girl who decided to treat me like a bitch and was too stuck up to take responsibility
of apologise was there and I decided I have no respect for her and didn’t greet
her. I left early because I was not in a mood to enjoy myself.

I love women. I mean them no harm and I don’t
expect anything unreasonable from them. I would be happy if they just treated
me honestly, respectfully, directly and openly. That is how I try to treat
everybody I meet. I am not prepared to start disrespecting people.

I do not ever want to see or speak to
another human being again, because it only winds up hurting me in the end. I
was once an idealist, now I live a moral life, but do not expect to change the
world. I do not understand how so many people, men and women a like, are able
to cause me so much pain and suffering and do not that they do. The break my
dreams, stop my heart and slowly tear my sole to shreds. Make it stop

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Surrender

The last
couple of days have been a reflective, intense period of time for me.

On Friday I
went for my last day of job shadowing the GP that I have been going to for the
past 4 weeks. As always, I thoroughly enjoyed it and learned a lot. At the end
of the time spent with him he gave me a hug and told me that I would be a good
doctor. It felt really good and made me feel hopeful. It felt meaningful.

Thereafter I
went home for lunch and then off to university for an Ethics tutorial on
Abortion. Despite my very negative perceptions of what I though the tutorial
would be on, I actually found it thoroughly interesting. The tutor is a very
clever person who engages with the glass more like a madrich then a tutor. He
also seems to have a legitimate, logical answer to everything. I was the most
radical pro-choice person in the class to the extent that when he asked whether
anybody thinks that killing a new born baby was ok I said yes. He presented all
of the most common arguments for and against abortion and then slashed them to
bits. At the end of the day it turned out that he was pro-abortion. This is the
opinion that every woman who becomes pregnant should have the pregnancy
aborted. He wrote a book called “Better to have never been,” which I intend to
read

I then had my
usual Friday Nargilla session on the UCT rugby field. One of my class mates
joined us. We had an interesting discussion about religion. I was concerned
that I had offended him, but it turned out we both enjoyed it and gained a lot
from it.

Then off to
Simon’s Town for a supper. After supper I visited this beautiful acquaintance
in Tokai who had had an operation. I enjoyed her company and left at around
23h00.

At the Habonim
meeting I met up with one of my dearest friends who has been living in Joburg
for the year and running the show. After spending some time saying hello to
everybody I sat down with this girl that I didn’t really know and had the most
absolutely incredible conversation that I have ever had with anybody in my
entire life. Never have I been so well understood. We both shared concepts and
understandings that I do not know how to articulate properly. I am still
reeling from it and at a loss for what to do with it. 

On Saturday I
got an email from a friend that had a link to a website where this guy who was
in charge of my gap year had posted an open letter to people who had been on
the gap year in the past couple of years. I spent about two-and-a-half hours
writing him a very detailed account of my gap year and the issues I had during
it. I called him to account for some of the issues and now wait half-heartedly
for the reply. I forwarded to the email to 3 people who were on my gap year
with me.

In the evening
I went to a birthday party. It was a really awesome party because everybody put
so much effort into it. The theme was “It’s a kid’s dream,” so naturally I came
as a paedophile. I shaved a ridiculous facial-hairstyle where my chin and neck
were cleanly shaved and the rest was hairy like a mother-fucker. I smoked a lot
of nag, and chilled. That chick I had the fight with arrived and proceeded to
do the guy who’s party it was. I was happy for him. I will not pretend that
nothing happened between me and her and move on. If she wants to that’s fine,
but I will behave how I feel.

I then saw my
friend’s band play in obs, followed by going with people who wanted drinks to a
bar a little down the road. When I got back to my car somebody had reversed
into the driver side back door. He left his number, thank god, and so I went,
against the bouncer’s better judgement, to the Woodstock police station to report the
accident. I was feeling a little shaky and did not check my blind-spot when
changing lanes to park. I almost side-swiped a mini. Then the mini-hooted, overtook
me, slammed in its breaks and produced an absolutely massive black man who
wanted to physically assault me. I reversed as fast as I could to get away and
then had to change gears into first because reverse is slow. The man got his
hands in my car, but I managed to away into an alley where I put my lights off
and pretended that I did not exist until he drove slowly passed. I felt very
shaky and unhappy afterwards. What’s wrong with people? What gives them the
right to attack me? I apologised. They cannot just hit me?

Sunday was a
bit of right-off. I have not been feeling amazing since the attack, although I
came out of it fine. In the evening I went out with a friend from Durban. We went to 5
restaurants, four of which were closed, before we found one to eat at. It was
good to catch up with him. I feel very close to him I then saw the girl from
Friday night. We went to town and sat on the balcony of a bar and spoke to each
other for 3 hours. I had peripheral neuropathy in my right arm from leaning on
my elbow for the whole time. We spoke about our feelings and more about life.
She is not interested in having a relation (with me/generally?) at the moment. At
least she was direct. I now need to do that thing where I need to convince
myself that I do not care and try and move on or move.

Monday at
university was so boring that I have decided to run a euthanasia clinic for my
class mates. We had a lecture in which a greasy large man spoke to us about
statistical measures for an hour; we also had a “seminar” on environmental
health where the dude read us a list of different pollutants – for 20 minutes.
I walked out of that lecture, wrote the course convener an email explaining
that it was Pesach and I couldn’t make it into university on Tuesday.

I then went to my best friend in the entire
world’s house. He is also living in Joburg for the year and running the show
for Habonim. We chilled, ate, I fixed his computer,  and then we went to the bayit. I smoked nag
with a girl I liked, watched a movie with the girl then went to my usual Friday
night family for first night Pesach. I absolutely love Pesach at their house.
Everybody gets drunk and we sing a lot and almost feel like a family. It was
amazing. My one friend there got so utterly wrecked. We ate good food and
generally had an amazing time. I then went back to the bayit where we smoked
nag on the balcony under the most gorgeous African sky, then watched who wants
to be a superhero until 04h00 and went home. 

Yesterday I
slept till 12, and then went out for lunch and a walk with my dad. In the
evening we went through to my mom’s house for Pesach round two. Besides the
allergies and the fact that the house reminds me of where I grew up and invokes
very negative feelings and memories the event was nice. I fixed their DVD
player and Nintendo. I also copied photos off my sister’s camera.

Today we went
to Radio Zibonele to develop our health promotion project. We have come up with
a few really good ideas. I love working with my group. I slept a lot when I
came home.

I am feeling…
strange. Firstly I know that I really like this girl that I met and that she
does not really seem too interested. She seems to have a lot of experiences
similar to the one that I shared with her, yet it for me it seemed like this
unique amazing once in a lifetime connection because I do consider myself to be
open and engaging and have never ever experienced anything even remotely
similar in magnitude or meaning. I try to cling on to the concept of surrender,
desperately trying to force myself to reject any power or responsibility in
this situation in the hope I don’t scour the life from my sole with pain again.

Secondly I am
very very bored and disinterred in the goings on at university at the moment.
This block has been so vague and uninteresting. It’s difficult to feel
motivate, excited or capable to get to university everyday. I feel excited for
the long weekend. I once again turn to surrender and oblivion. I cannot have
any affect on university.

I am still
reeling and behind it lies a black pit of emptiness juxtaposed by the fleeting
meaning.

I am the still
silent empty void, unconquerable and unaffected by the passing of time and the
harms of the world.

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